LOST_five minute friday

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on the fringes

wandering what is going on and how did I get here

have i LOST it?

that is how my head, my heart, my spirit

have felt this passed month

my mind-

brimming over, hovering on the lip of the cup,

“one more drop Lord, and it’s gonna spill over and make a mess”

But the cup holds a good, good thing

and I wonder?

is it me-

just pouring too much too quickly like starbucks in my mug before the daughters are up, and I just want to have it all, yet enjoy it slow, and how exactly does that work?

my heart-

the eyes of it take so much in

my pre-teens and their sass, and cell phone obsession, and they better start deciding exactly Who they want to really follow

my little ones and their needs and innocence and their trying to be so grown up and my saying: oh no you don’t! stay small!

my volunteer work with at risk children, trying to coax something good and simple and worthwhile like getting them to love to read-while in God’s house while others pray for them, so this perpetuating cycle of low expectations and hopelessness some two, three, generations deep might start ascending up; though everyone knows the bad stuff naturally just sinks lower and lower

my spirit-

its torn

jeckle & hyde like

comfort and confidence, encouragement and joy

to suddenly without warning rip away revealing

panic and painful insecurities, despair and exhaustion

And I am feeling LOST

close to being swallowed up some days i fear

and these on-the-fringe-days, those near-broke-days:

my only fall back emergency plan?

the 69th Psalm:

save me o God for the waters are come in onto my soul

i sink in deep mire, where there is no standing; i have come into deep waters where the floods overflow me

but as for me my prayer is unto thee, o Lord in an acceptable time; o God in the multiples of your mercy hear me, in the truth of thy salvation

let not the waterflood overflow me, neither let the deep swallow me up, and let not the pit shut her mouth upon me

hear me o Lord; for the thy lovingkindess is good: turn onto me according to the multitude of they tender mercies

Feeling like THIS TIME i am going under and be LOST for good this time

peering at myself at the edge of myself, my abilities, my logic, my strength

I LOSE myself enough to being caught by The Father’s Hand.

And in  LOSING we gain the essence of Christ.

Stop.

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So the bulk of the text of this post didn’t go over 5 minutes by too much

The verses of course took time, but they don’t count because they are not my words, I’m just quoting!

It is good to be back to writing and photography again after taking about a month absence of anything creative.

I realized that leaves me feeling too flat:

 Too much like a wind-up toy just getting work done everyday till I wind down and collapse over.

I also got desperate to read some well written fiction, and have found some

{peruse my goodreads review above}

So happy creative Friday to all.

Read in or join in at Lisa Jo Bakers place.

Cheers.

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2 thoughts on “LOST_five minute friday

  1. Thanks for stopping by my blog today, Leah!

    I really like your post. I can relate to nearly falling apart. I’ve blogged about it, maybe in the FMF that was Nothing. And like you, I found that the promises of God were the only thing holding me together. Losing ourselves, finding Christ, is a beautiful thing, and (for me, anyway) often it takes hitting bottom to realize it.

    Like

  2. And you are found again! Welcome back to bloglandia! (Your word. I love it.) I think it’s really cool what you are doing for the at risk kids in your neck of the woods! Keep it up! Don’t let that ol scoundrel enemy steal your joy! Keep loving all those littles. They won’t forget it! And it will help them love others too. You rock girlfriend!

    Like

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