bloglandia_imperfect prose

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i am feeling  confessional, reflective, but don’t want to go there

i don’t want to admit it- the times when I crack into a long awaited book, freshly shipped in that tantalizing cardboard brown amazon or barnes and noble package and sitting on my porch, and later, nestled, settled in, i begin to read, to only want to throw that book across the room in a curse and in a huff

the reason?

surely, not moral objections

certainly, not preachy agendas

no

it’s much more shallow

it sneaks up and occurs when i read a memoir-like book and the author-always a woman who i think rocks-strings excessive paragraphs, that lead to excessive pages about all her friends

the fun girl night out with wine, food. laughter, coversations

the couples they constantly have over

the stated reality that for them-

on bad days

on lonely days

or crazy days

on bored days

a gaggle of females who know them, really know them, are a text, call, email, or just show up at their door, away

if only

after the eye rolling

comes the accusations

such experiences- being as much a reality in my life as a fairy godmother showing up to make a pumpkin into a coach– are a glaring reflection of what is wrong with me

memories of a  childhood always being excluded by older sisters charge in fast

in the wake laps over plain ole jealously

i am not the social butterfly

i do not possess that magnet personality that picks up friends like gathering berries off a bush

and It has been a life long struggle

i wrote about how my introvert self ( because more often that is where the difference lies: extrovert vs introvert and how it plays out in our relationships} came to a panic head when i found myself heading to conference of 300 women, By Myself and how the book Quiet by Susan Cain came to the rescue giving not only clarity, but PERMISSION to be who you are…not unlike a fairy godmother with a twinkling wand

shauna niequist’s latest book titled bread & wine

made its way to my porch wrapped in cardboard this week

shauna has traveled the world and her book is basically her story of how she loves being around people and has gobs and gobs of friends who are constantly in her home and she in theirs…i read it for inspiration to be more hospitable because my husband and i love to cook good food and share it with friends

however, i relate not one iota to this, in terms of what my life actually looks like

i found myself being really annoyed and kinda thinking mean things about her

i experienced the same feelings while reading jen hatmakers’s book, 7

but here is the thing:

i really liked those books and those women and recommend these books

in my growing maturity in Christ I have seen the absolute necessity to think concretely and honestly about any issue when my emotions and insecurities start to run amuck

so here is what is really going down:

i do not pick up bffs like picking berries because quite frankly i really don’t want a basketful, and if i had a female in my life who called and texted and wanted to hang out every weekend i would run for cover and probably lie and say i contracted the bubonic plague

second, i was engaged at 19, married at 20, got pregnant at 21, had my first at 22, and continued to “multiply and fill the earth” for the next seven years, four times over, all girls, all hideous sick pregnancies throwing up pretty constantly the entire nine months-not a lot of opportunity for socialization and mingling for pretty much my entire 20s!

thirdly, with four other females living under this roof, i can only take so much estrogen, female nuances and let’s just say it- psycho-emotions…in high school i hung out a lot with the guys for the simple reason that i i could not stand most girls {that, and i knew with guys i was instantly excepted because i was pretty, had big boobs and told funny jokes, but with girls, i felt judged..to this day i feel much more comfortable with men then i do with women, but that is for another post}

A GIRL LIVING IN A MAN’S WORLD WITH MORE OFTEN THAN NOT A MAN’S PERSONALITY…THAT’S ME

… overall, i just did not give a rat’s ass about their little hurt feeling over insignificant events…get over it and shut up because no one cares was my go-to advice, but you cannot do that with daughters, or you should not, and so upon motherhood God began growing me to be more of a compassionate, quick to listen/slow to speak demeanor…it is not natural for me and so maybe a gaggle of friend with all those female tendencies would just overwhelm me since i have four already at home whom i am spiritually, physically, and morally responsible for

lastly, and this one just hit me square between the eyes this past week, i have acquired a select group of women who have come into my life, women who think and relate and hurt and strive in this life much the same way i do- a couple of them through what i call bloglandial, that’s right, women who have stumbled into this little insignificant space or i into theirs,  we exchange emails and pray for one another and read eachother’s word and get it, and that is significant. i have a handful of women, sister’s in the Lord who are an important part of my  “real life” let’s call it, who when i am at that lowest ebb, when isolation sets in big time, show up, unexpectedly, without me asking… writing in my ann voskamp-eucharisteo-gift-naming-journal i called it “the distant yet interceding presence of friends, fellow sisters in Christ in my life #1392”

and so there you have it:

my confession, my petty jealousies, my gift of truth and clarity from the Spirit of God

my imperfect prose

linking up with Emily with Imperfect Prose this cold rainy Wednesday where I have turned over the business of making dinner to my ten and twelve year old daughters.

Cheers

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4 thoughts on “bloglandia_imperfect prose

  1. I ❤️ your honesty. I feel the same about most. I raised up 2 boys and was happy I didn’t have girls. I don’t know why? But I am a recovering misanthrope. I just learned this word and I like it. It describes me completely. My big kid told me he’s worried I’ll be a hermit in another 15 years. Haha! I told him not to worry, it’ll be my choice. Besides, I have lots of friends in bloglandia too. 😉

    Like

    • misanthrope? hmm. never heard of that one…and yes the great irony that God gave me 4 girls is never far from my mind, but obviously that is His plan for Me, and I do love, love having girls. And I got to thinking about in regards it is a relief to have all girls in that I will never have to deal with daughters in laws!

      Like

      • Haha! No you won’t. I’m sure you’ll love sons in law. I like the pragmatism of men. I like that they aren’t as emotional as women.

        Like

  2. yes. Yes. Yes!
    Thank you for being real and raw
    for voicing what many kept secret
    giving everyone else the opportunity to breathe
    and become real also

    Like

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