five minute friday_FLY

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“I’ll fly away, sweet Jesus, I’ll fly away!”

That is all that is going through my mind right now.

What’s that old Spiritual singing about?  leavin this world cuz our job is done, That’s what.

Fly away means it over.

But after its over comes the judgement.  And we will stand and give account of how we stood.

Spirituallity is full of parodoxes.  It’s why if flies in the face of religion practiced for religious sake.

At 34 years of age, 12 years into mothering, 4 daughters in my wake I am getting more tethered than ever.

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“Me time” is bumped and jostled, swept aside like hearth ash in a dust bin.  A temporary re-arrange that is not the true cleansing I feel it needs, but it’s sufficient.  It removes all that piling soot that is threatening to spill over onto the floor.

There was a time in my past that I would simply fall apart, loudly, like a toddler temper tantrum, when my preconceived “me times” did not get carved out, when and how and where as I envisioned.

I constantly want to fly away, still. I need quiet like I need food.

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We are seriously considering taking The Babe (who turns 5 next month) out of her all day pre-k school, because she suddenly says she hates it and want to be with me.  Five days in a row now it’s been a huge stressful battle.  Do I ignore the pleas of my tiny one and literally pry little fingers off my body and shove into a classroom with two adults I barely know?  Or do I let a four year old chose her education course?  Do I trust her?  More importantly do I trust my instincts are God’s Spirit saying what is best? Homeschooling two middle schooled girls is hard…throwing a very high energy, too smart for her own good near five year old will make it harder.

Why is Spirit-led, so often personality-opposite?

I want to fly away.

But I need to stand still and be present.  Mindful. Spirit-seeking, every moment of the day.

This standing I must trust; I must have dogged determined faith.  It is the real key that unlocks the wings of flying.

Because the perfect freedom of flying is found only in the center of God’s will in your life.

Its the only perfect equilibrium that allows me to breathe and let go, not flap like a crazy thing, hoping I don’t crash.

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Take a peak and look to see what’s going on inside the rooms of our home and you won’t see or hear perfect harmonious eagles souring effortless high above on invisible drafts, untouched and unconcerned by the trifling stresses and affairs of this world.You will see and hear squawking and flapping and lots and lots of molting feathers.

But we fly, nevertheless.

That invisible under current of wind raising us all up in impossible flight- it’s the same current holding up the “perfect” serene eagle we all envision, we all think we should look like, should feel like, should blog about…

To soar as a mother you sometimes have to stand still and not mind the mess of feathers and crap in the nest.

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Stop.

{ if you look closely you can see in the blurry back round the phrase “House Of Women” our home’s official title, given my the sole male in house, written on our painted house address rock that sits in our front yard garden}

Linking up  for another five minute Friday writing mob with all the lovely, lovely souls at Lisa Jo Bake’s Blog Gypsy Mama. Its always a nice and honestly a very blessed time to fly away and sort out all those thoughts and feelings flapping around in my own head.

Cheers.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “five minute friday_FLY

  1. Your ability to stay home and teach your girls is a gift I can’t imagine I would have had the patience for. If you bring home the baby, I’ll pray extra hard for you. 😉

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    • Thanks micey! I am trying not to feel too guilty about hoping she will get over her pre- revolt soon. Another thing you pray for me about. Homeschooling has turned me into a guilt-laden mother suddenly…something I never was before…

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  2. Loved this post, particularly this sentence : Because the perfect freedom of flying is found only in the center of God’s will in your life. So true. I don’t know how long you have been homeschooling, but I’ve always heard the first year or two is the hardest. I think you are giving your kids a gift. I’d give your youngest a few weeks or check out if she’s having issues with another kid or something. Maybe she’s just jealous that the two older ones get to be with you all day. 🙂 Anyway, enjoyed your post!

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  3. Leah – you are sharing so many “normal” feelings here, from the desire for quiet, the conflicting desires about homeschool, the guilt…I say “normal”, because such as is common to woman, and maybe even more so for the homeschooling mom. I pray you find peace in whatever decision you and your husband make, that you let go of the guilt (which often comes from comparison), and that you continue to pursue flight for you and your girls!

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