five minute friday: VIEW

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We have recently returned from the beach.

And o my, don’t I just love the view of long white sandy beaches curving around the foamy edge of the ocean.

I stare and stare at the stretch of choppy blue grey Atlantic.

Open.

Wide.

Infinite.

But vacations, by definition, are short time outs from reality.

Slow, wide, soothing strokes- to our minds and body and schedules.

Back home.

No uncomplicated vistas to loose yourself in sleepy thought.

Reality looms up large instead.

The reality of my life has been:

uncomfortable

I am uncomfortable because I keep seeking that perfect niche of contentment, purpose, understanding, and peace- all at once- delivered on my daily plate of life- with a cheery on top please.

But that  is not life.

And that is OK. Its not designed to be a perpetual vacation.

Life is not a beach.

This morning sitting yoga cross legged, coffee in my hands and prayers on my lips I see only a hazy path-

slithering to and fro, in and out of focus like a faint foot trail shrouded in some pockets of mist.

We, “the anointed, the royal priesthood, the peculiar people”  {Isaiah}

navigate the tricky foot path of:

“in the world , not of it”.

For weeks I have felt the intense stirrings that outside our door stretches out two obvious roads:

The World in all its corruption

Religion in all its corruption

Both views stink.

Between the two:

the faint foot path.

The Spirit has been coaxing us down it for awhile now.

He led us to a church that quite frankly does not have much going for it presently, yet we stay.

He tells us to wait…again!…and not leave NY. So we stay.

I took a second job as cleaning lady for some businesses in the evenings (yeah I said I would NEVER be a cleaner).

So I clean after dinner and return home in time for bedtime books and routines. An awesome arrangement that allows me to be home and present for my family and is a huge financial blessing.  But again, not how I want to spend 5 evenings a week. Not comfortable.

And now,  after over 11 years of young children at home, under my feet, demanding in my face, making messes and noise, The Babe is heading off to all day pre-K in the fall {she will be five in December}.

Taking the cleaning job freed me from the obligatory “day care provider” chain and ball, and of baby am I looking forward to those 6 hours of quiet days!

But, where oh where, is the view on that hazy path opening up to?

Home schooling my big girls.

{yeah i said i would NEVER home school}.

I am going to stop using the word never.

Much prayers would be appreciated.

Literally yesterday,  I started to entertain the idea. And this Summer we will be exploring and seeking and praying, a lot.

This hazy, uncomfortable path, this view that takes faith, that on the outside seems like such foolishness, like some twisted form of self-punishment, honestly leaves me frustrated from time to time.

In those spaces of frustration doubt always clamors loud.

I wonder:

Is it just me?

Do I just like the hard?

Always insisting on being different,

doing it just a little better than the majority

because of my perfectionists tendencies, my own vanity that I am somehow above the status quo,

like some kinda spiritual hipster?

And yet…

Inwardly, these last few years have filled me up with more joy and peace and quiet strength, overall, more than I have ever possessed.

The simple path of daily faith and obedience.

I hear the words of Saint Paul:

“though outwardly we perish, inwardly we are renewed day by day”

I am trying to stay committed to:

my eyes drinking in the next step that The Father leads by His very own hand being all the view I need.

Stop.

Linking up with Lisa Jo Baker’s blog for another writing prompt.

A writing prompt that almost always blesses me in amazing ways.

Happy start to the Memorial Weekend everyone!

Cheers.

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5 thoughts on “five minute friday: VIEW

  1. Leah, your posts always leave me with a calm. I know you’ll make the right decision, because you’re seeking Him. And I know that next step in front of you is firm, secure. In California (maybe you have it in NY) we have the option of homeschooling through a charter. It’s still public, so no Christian materials are accepted as work samples (though you can still use Christian at home), but you have the option of sending your kids to classes one or two days a week. I’m doing this in the fall with my daughter who’s going into Kindergarten. Though I’ll be surrounded with support, and even have two free half-days, I feel like it’s a huge commitment. I’m responsible for her education and I don’t want to compromise it at all! But I think I’m coming to realize that I’m so stubborn I need the hard path. It forces me to grow. We’ll see. I might find that it’s not working and put her in school. But I’m going to try! I’ll remember to pray for you. ❤

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    • Thanks Jacqui! Actually it was the fact that our city school district is starting a charter school that got me thinking we need to start re-thinking our girls’ public school education. Unfortunately it will not get off the ground till 2014 and only be K through 2nd. I am feeling the urge to be deliberate with my older girls now. I really feel strongly we are going to be out of NY state in another year. So I am looking at this next school year as “an adventure” in schooling. I know I am going to be raising a few eye brows in that we are looking into the “un-schooled” home schooling method as well. I never do anything normal or expectant! Will be praying for you to.Thanks so much friend.

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  2. “Inwardly, these last few years have filled me up with more joy and peace and quiet strength, overall, more than I have ever possessed.”

    Which means that you are on the right path, my dear. And let me add that I’ve observed that in you over the last few years. No doubt others can see it too. Always my prayers, and confidence that you and your Mr. will figure it all out. The cord of three strands…

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  3. Nice of you to leave me a comment, thank you. I had to come to check out your blog….
    I feel I can relate with this post:

    Being somewhere, not really prefering to, but knowing it’s where God wants for now. Husband works much so I can stay home with children, at a price of course. Homeschooling, out of the box, I am definitely there. Without much of a plan, other than I’m trusting that the Lord is leading me/us.

    Isaiah 40:10-11 KJV Behold, the Lord GOD will come with strong hand, and his arm shall rule for him: behold, his reward is with him, and his work before him. (11) He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.

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