Destination unknow

An update blog post:

The update is:

there is no update

We found a house we loved loved loved.

Its minutes from Mr.MS's work, not a near hour drive.

It has an apple orchard! 22 acres!…of trees, of shady pines, of cool splashing creeks, thousands of feet to roam and flit with bare feet and sailing imagination.

Ideas whirled, eyes lit up, papers were signed.

No one has had similar whiling thoughts, sparkling eyes over our place.

However.

No one wants sign on our dotted line.

Now we wait.

I worry:

down payments,

credit scores.

un-secured debt,

in one month there will only be ten weeks of summer vacation till the new school starts

"what do you mean it needs more work?!"  {my wrathful comments from feedback comments on our house} "women are so spoiled with their have- to- be- perfect -houses" & "men are so lazy…guess using a screwdriver is too hard when you have to make time for your two fantasy football leagues and video games!"

{I made worse comments but should not type them out}

Its really, really annoying when you have put tons of time, effort, and money making your house the nicest its ever looked…and you then read people say comments like "scared off by all the work".

Snarly worry.

That was me.

But something else kept pestering me.

Another phrase all together.

Constant like the drips off a roof on to my shoulder.

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Do you really trust Me?

Do you really believe I know, and that is enough?

**************************************************************

Slowly, though I resisted at first.

Biting cynical comments

replaced by

Praise of Him

"Well maybe we could just…."

replaced by

"Well we will simply wait…"

Criticism

replaced by

Enjoying.

This is how I enjoyed

*********************************************************************

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the black stain of mulch on my gardener's hands, fingernails, crammed under stubby nails, mashed in knees

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The sharp sensation of fresh breezes slicing through the nylon mesh above your head, and soft warm quilts padding  and nestling you.  Softening the blow between  your bum and the hard uneven ground.

(ok, ok so I didn't actually spend the night in the tent in the backyard. That was enjoyed by the three big girls and their Daddy (it was cold!), but I snuck in the following afternoon with the babe).

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Creating mixed media art with a favorite blown up photo, some spray painted salvaged medicine cabinet doors, embroidered quotes, and then put on pretty, torn, gesso-ed paper.

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taking a picture of my chicken spinach caesar salad, that I then put on my chair, then moved to the door because it got better light. I thought the raised red veins on the spinach would make an interesting picture…and I was right.  See the raised nail heads too on the old chair?

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Home made wine (read the label) straight from the hand of my husband.  We can even now boast of our very own "red neck wine cellar".  And home made bread straight from the hands of the Pillsbury corporation and to our local grocer's dairy case.

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Few things comfort like warm freshly baked bread and a glass of wine.The simple starches and simple natural fermentation process are proof to me that The Lord intends for us to savor and enjoy the simple satisfying things in life.

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**************************************************************************

Quite frankly, the stress and questions, worries and snarly attitudes, started to chip away at the mortar of our marriage.

We would stare at each other.

Asking polite questions, nodding when appropriate. 

We found ourselves sighing and looking off into the unfocused distance a lot.

We were not really fighting.

{strangely enough}

Just blank.

Quiet.

That scares me more.

Laying in bed I confessed that I felt not the usual heavy fierce pressure of stress, that spurs us (okay ME) to lash out.  Instead, I felt a continual piling on.  Like a shovel taking a scoop of dirt, and slowly rotating the scoop of weight onto my shoulders. 

He confessed the same.

And we slowly drift under the pressure.

I didn't like being there.  Am acutely aware that I can not afford to loose my earthly partner and comforter, whom I can touch and see,when everything else is so uncertain.

Saying "Yes" to those pestering dripping questions above:

"Do you trust me?"

"Do you really believe that I know, and is that enough?"

was the key to shaking off the shovelful of stresses and hypothetical questions, and cementing us back into our proper place of- one flesh, again.

And that is where I hope to stay.

Destination un known.

Climbing each wrung, one at a time

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holding on, enjoying the ride

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together.

Cheers

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5 thoughts on “Destination unknow

  1. It sounds like you are figuring out exactly how to “hang in there” so I don’t even have to say it. I just hope it won’t have to be for much longer. Sending good vibes your way!

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  2. What an honest and vulnerable post Leah, and in that light, it is beautiful. I have missed much here and I am sorry for that. In all the complexities and heartaches and stress and worry that we like to amplify because we are just that way, you my friend, are going to be ok. Change keeps us strong and resilient. Change keeps us humble and ever seeking. Change challenges us to be better than we were, knowing that nothing is ever permanent, including stress, conflict, pain, and worry. I am thinking of you, hoping for you, and knowing that all will be well with faith and love.
    hugs my friend,
    xo
    ps. your comment put a big fat smile on my face. long comments are always welcome from you girl..

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  3. Great post Leah!! AMAZING pics too, you got great angles and lighting on them!!! I am dying to see that artwork piece up close, just the little pieces of it that came through the pictures let me know it is something I would flip for! ps- LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the wine label… you guys are too stinkin’ cute of a family for me to handle!! ❤

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