I don't mean to be a bah humbug…but to sum it up it a couple words this Christmas: kinda. sucked.
Please don't disregard my previous December posts as: happy, fake-y, facebook-y, cheap tinsel.
It was that so much bad, along with good stuff was crammed into my month that left me, despite good intentions, gritty determination, and solid Faith that God is still in our midst, emotionally flat-lining.
Christmas Eve felt weird. (my side of the family has yet to get together for Christmas.)
Christmas morning was tiring.
Then, the memory card thing in our computer stopped working; so I can't look at or upload any of my Christmas pictures.
Come Christmas afternoon I was feeling down, distanced, my world was a dull black and white in a happy glittery world of red and green.
So I took a long walk.
Phrases kept rattling around in my mind as I looked at the cold blue sky, decorated houses, and a current of cars whizzed passed me: going to Gramma's house for Christmas, no doubt.
Two miles and a half hour later I returned to a warm snug house, decently cleaned up, and the crankiest three year old on the planet was blissfully napping.
Exercise and sunshine always puts me in a better frame of mind.
Still analyzing and digesting my own feelings I sat down and wrote this:
Chasing the Spirit: looking for more than a catch phrase
Come take a look inside my home
See at dusk how glittery lights shone
Enter in: your eye will spot my home made decor
Pretty and bright flanking entry ways, tables, and door
Look at our kitchen: a pixie dust sheen of sugar on messy counter tops
exude the perfect Christmas scene
Take a listen: You will hear right on pitch a harmonizing Nat, Frank, and Dean
My children have been raised with the Christmas found in Saint Luke Chapter Two.
Nativities and creches confesses the "Christ" is Christmas is what we pursue.
Healthy bright excited daughters
Loving husband better than most others
The comfort of a warm house sustaining food
I do recall with humbling gratitude
But every evening as night creeps in activities cease and my feet are up
I know I am just chasing the Christmas Spirit
I am trying to fill that Merry Cup
My pretty home
The cut-out cookies
A quaint dressed up ruse?
No fasade or ugly secrets lies beneath the festitive atmosphere I try each December to infuse
But our own little lives they really cannot be an exclusive island- a single unit of a family
The tentacles of relationships pulls and twists at our emotions; our reality
When phrases like:
" Custody battle"
"The doctors are not optimistic"
Become commonplace in my ears
The catch phrases of:
"The Holly and the Ivy"
"Jesus is the Reason for the Season"
seem more and more like a cheap fragile veneer.
So what is a Wife, a Mama, a Daughter, a Sister, to do?
"Look deep within myself"?
"Grin and bear it"?
"Dip into the egg nog"?
To simply carry me through.
Would a tri-brid hybrid of the three sound to you a desperate grasping of straws
You see each coping ideology has its pros and its flaws
I looked deep within this strong woman and found with great relief, Christ is stronger still
I indeed went through the motions, but surprisingly found making others' joys my joys too became my happy pill
And the egg nog? The official Holiday drink of feeling fine
It looks and tastes a lot, come every evening, like a glass of wine
If you find yourself chasing that Christmas Spirit
Feel discouraged, just don't get it, and never seem to hear it
Know this: "Feeling It", is not the chief aim of the Season, nor for our life
Look first to Christ, then cast your gaze to make others happy, to ease your ragged inner strife
And perhaps come the New Year you can raise a bubbly toast
And without a hint of glibness or drop of sarcasm :
Pronounce this Christmas Season was richer and fuller than most