“Its 4:54 in the A.M., time for some perspectives”

sorry you have to be fan of SNL in the late 90s to get that one.

Why am I up?

I am up because few things are black and white… and parenting: never.

 Oh its so pretty isn't it?

Its so desirable.

I like black and white, not only in my fall garden decorating, but in how I go about living my life.

I would of made a good Old Testament Jew.

Give me the law, man.  Give me ABC…I will do 123.


We are supposed to be going to stay with my best friends family this weekend, and spend a whole day in NYC.  That's right the Big Apple:

With four children.

One being a 5-year-old who does not like to walk, and has had a bad cold that will not let go for a week.

One is a wild child near 3-year-old, who will be on Daddy's back most of the time, but when she gets down, can outrun any adult I have ever met.

(I purchased a retractable pink dog leash, I kid you not.  Its perfect actually because she is currently obsessed with wearing this little backpack all day, that has on it, wouldn't you know, a plush dog.  We can just connect the leash end to that…seems pretty obvious to me).

I am really excited; have never been.

But all week, something won't settle; like a piece of un-digested food; lodged in the pit of my stomach.

I keep asking myself:  Should we go?

We are staying for free near the city at my friends family house.

The other couples we are going with are in the same economic boat we are in, so no pricey tourism stuff, or posh restaurants.

I am fond of saying, "there is a season for everything".

Since becoming a family of four children our lives have drastically changed.  So much of it is good.  I love being a big ole loud family of females. But it is hard.   The simple fact remains that many things that other families do are just "not for us" or "not our time".  Honestly, I went though a very hard time about a year ago, when I found myself being so envious of (Lord forgive me) people with less children and more money.  The fact that we have a big family and not a lot of money became my reason for all the stress and problems in my life.  I felt God leading me to the verse spoken by Christ of:

"whosoever puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not worthy of the Kingdom of God"

I put that up, and put below it the word:


So here I am now.  I got passed that whole unhappy ugly jealously thing.  I made peace with my life.  The life that I chose.  And am so much happier for it.  Contentment indeed.  But this nagging, nagging feeling would not go away.  In short, is it irresponsible of me to take our whole family to The City?  Will we have a good time?  Tim does not do well in crowds with the kids; has had some issues in the past with panic attacks.  But then I would think:  Leah you are way over thinking this.  You're going with your best friends, staying for free, lots of adults will be around your children at all times.  Stop over-thinking and sabotaging your own happiness and kids experience again!

Fast forward to 2:00am this morning.  My 5-year-old came shuffling into our bed with a high fever.

My mother's heart sank.

Well, there's my answer.

Toss and turn, toss and turn.

Tim woke up.

We talked.

Should he just stay home with the little ones, and I go with the big ones, getting a ride with my friend (thank goodness for 7 passanger vans)?

How much does that suck?

But should we all miss out because one has a fever?

Is it a sign?

New York City is not going anywhere right?

But we already paid $80 for the commuter train tickets?

Should I just make the best of it, call up my friend and tell her to make a slight detour and pick up 3 of us?

Or am I forcing it?

To some this may sound like making a really big deal out of something that just is not.  You may be right.

But in the next couple hours we have, what is to US, a big decision to make.

And as far as I can remember, I have sought solace in writing.  From secretly stashed pink journals, to spiral notebooks of observations, poems, short stories, and my on-going Mommy Journal I have had since becoming a mother. 

This blog now is where, more and more, I find my writing out.

I apologize for rambling sentences, grammatical errors, and any mis-spelt words.  Its just what I do.

I started this nocturnal post with a late 90s quote; may as well end with one:

"I don't really want any answers, I am just putting these questions into the great big void.  So good night sweet void"

(name the movie)




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